It takes a big woman to admit the ways in which she is emotionally selfish.
Historically, women have been given the right to be emotional, while the emotional landscape of men is not only uncharted territory, for most men, but emotions are not something that exactly scream power and strength – especially when it comes to anything sniffing of the masculine.
Women are emotional and leak a lot of their unconscious emotional shit all over whoever they want to, but the second a man gets emotional or begins to show signs of being a feeling creature:
SOMEONE CALL THE THOUGHT POLICE, BECAUSE HOME-BOY HERE IS NOT ALLOWED TO MIRROR WHAT WOMEN STRUGGLE WITH INSIDE OF THEMSELVES ON THE DAILY.
Women are entitled to being emotional and emotionally selfish, while men are shunned upon by most of society for not keeping their shit together emotionally.
No woman, with the exception of an emotionally intelligent woman or a genuine Sexy. Conscious. Awake. Female., can navigate the sketchy and tumultuous waters of men’s woundedness or feelings without getting threatened by how his emotional shit reflects her emotional shit. To hold space for a man’s emotions, you have to have a grip or profound understanding of your self, which a lot of women struggle with.
This past Friday night a wonderful man named, Mackey, and I had an unexpected conversation about his experience with emotionally selfish women. Mackey is a man of many talents: he’s a writer, artist, entrepreneur, photographer, and fashion designer.
As we talked about women and men, and our differences and similarities, Mackey’s perspectives about women held my attention. Apparently he had gone on a date with a woman who was telling him all about her past betrayals and how her ex did this and that to hurt her, then she flat out told Mackey he was going to have to prove himself to her because of everything she’s been through.
Mackey’s tone was impassioned, “Women can be so emotionally selfish when they don’t realize they’re not the only ones who’ve been hurt. Men get their hearts broken too. Men have fears too. It’s not just men that cheat. It’s not just men that don’t own their shit. But, in my experience, it is a rare woman who actually considers what a man has gone through and doesn’t dump her past on him expecting him to fix it.”
Expecting him to fix it.
I sank in my seat, his words reverberating in my consciousness.
How many times, before I was woken up, had I persecuted my boyfriends with past pains from previous relationships?
How many times had I believed that if a man truly loved me, he would heal my wounds, fears, and take my pain away?
How many times had I thought it was the man who was supposed to take care of what I was afraid to take care of in myself?
Before I woke up, I was that woman Mackey spoke to. I was so in my own experience that it was hard for me to step outside of myself. I didn’t fully understand what I was doing. I was in pain, stuck in the past, angry about the wrongs and injustices of my life. I brought the past into every relationship I had and I didn’t even know it until someone had the balls to call me out on it and ask me to wake up to my emotional blueprint and unconscious triggers.
ALL OF US HAVE PAIN.
Man. Woman. Child.
All of us have been hurt, but why is it that a lot of women don’t think about or relate to a man’s pain in the same way they are aware of or relate to their own? Why is it women expect men to fix things they can’t fix for us? What is it about our belief structures that make some women feel that men have to prove themselves in order for us to hand over our hearts?
If men are human, and are equally, or even more scared than we women are emotionally, given all this proving and earning shit they have to do from a cultural standpoint, while women just wait to be rescued and saved how did we women become so entitled and emotional selfish that men can’t even go there with women, without us getting all freaked out?
Let’s explore this:
While I was unconscious and unaware of how much pain I was in and how I was projecting that in my relationships, I thought it was a man’s job to prove himself.
So we have socialization and conditioning as the culprits here.
A lot of fathers teach their daughters to be paranoid when it comes to guys and their motives. You hear fathers say it all the time, “I know how guys think.” That fear and mentality about guys gets instilled in us as little girls, making us feel both attracted and afraid of the opposite sex.
How do we trust the opposite sex when our fathers are wary of the male mind? When our own fathers are instilling belief structures that start with guys mostly thinking with their dicks, and include that they can’t always be trusted to be coming from the right place? If we are taught that a worthy guy will jump through hoops to prove he’s not just a sex hungry pig, it is easy to see why a lot of females have the unconscious belief structures they do about the opposite sex.
I have a daughter myself and I have no idea what values her father will instill in her when it comes to other men. A daughter is the ultimate prize in the eyes of her father, and a lot of dads could give two shits about a man’s feelings or his hurt, especially when it comes to his baby girl. Most father’s instill this idea that a man needs to care, provide, and protect his precious girl, and that’s one of the main reasons a lot of women can be emotionally selfish.
I am sure there are other reasons, I chose to focus on the one most prominent in my mind.
As we evolve as humans, these types of belief structures are being challenged in a huge way and it is up to the individual to decide what resonates as positive or negative beliefs.
Does thinking a man needs to prove himself help you in love and life?
Is there an alternative way to approach men where you can both be open to the men who come into your lives without projecting your past fears all over them and still stay in your power and be discerning?
I was taught to be emotionally selfish when it came to the opposite sex in order to protect myself. I was also taught at a very young age that a Knight and Shining Armor would come rescue me from my slumber. When you look at Disney Movies and the message they are sending to young minds, it’s easy to see how these belief patterns become established.
It’s a big let down when you realize that there is no one coming to save you, and that the keys to your soul and getting what you want out of life have always been in the palm of your hands.
There is nothing romantic about personal accountability.
Accountability is tough. Doing it yourself, for yourself is hard, but oh so very rewarding.
It’s so much easier to dream of someone making everything happen for you, but let’s face it: YOU GET BORED WHEN THINGS ARE JUST HANDED TO YOU.
Maybe the best thing in this world right now is the fact that men and women both have the ability to see the similarities of the emotional worlds they posses separately, while also honoring the differences that men and women have when it comes to approaching the same things.
Men are not women and women are not men but we both feel, we both think and we both want to experiences things in this life that require that spark without all the bullshit drama and pain.
Humans are creative enough to create without suffering and without abuse.
I believe this. I am living proof you can exist with a ton of creative passion.
If men and women are to understand one another their must be healing and space.
YOU HAVE TO HEAL YOURSELF.
YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU BELIEVE AND WHERE YOUR BELIEFS COME FROM.
Going into something new with all your old shit hovering over you clouds your mind, your sight and it burdens the men you choose. Even if the present man is nothing like your past, you won’t see it, unless you trust yourself enough to get beyond your fears.
Every new man that enters your life is a new opportunity to create a new story. Why bury that man in the past? If the past hurt you and didn’t work, why not seize the opportunity to make it different?
WE ARE ALL EMOTIONALLY SELFISH AT TIMES.
I’m still emotionally selfish in certain ways, but I am awakening to my blind spots.
It’s human nature to be self involved and it is also human nature to learn to expand beyond the self. Both are realities.
If what Mackey shared with me or what I am speaking to resonates with you and you don’t want your emotional selfishness to create destructive dynamics in your life I suggest these 3 things:
Heal Your Past: I am not going to lie to you, this is the toughest work in the world. Looking into the ways in which you have been traumatized or wounded is scary and painful. I would recommend somatic work such as 5 Element Chinese Acupuncture or seek out true healers that can help you viscerally transform. Talk therapy can only take you so far. It’s all mind oriented and you need to get into your heart and do body work to be able to heal and transform belief structures.
If You’ve Been Hurt, Stop Making The Same Mistakes That Hurt You, Make Better Choices: What you fear has already happened to you, so why repeat the past? If you had a bad relationship or it didn’t work out the way you hoped don’t box yourself into the fear of it happening again. It limits you. You live in a world of great possibility, do not succumb to narrow minded thoughts. You need to take the time to get to know people for who they are outside of what you fear. If you need to go slow, go slow. Ask questions. Take the time. There is no hurry in love and if you think there is, you definitely need to slow down.
Cultivate Trust In Yourself: I cannot stress this enough. You have to cultivate your own personal trust and get in tuned with your intuition so that when you meet people you can see clearly and you are not projecting all over them. We all project our hopes and fantasies onto people, especially the ones we really like, but you have to get beyond this. You have to know what your red flags are and you have to listen to your inner guides.
The only way to trust others and not spew all your fear onto them is to trust yourself. Trust is built by you knowing yourself and not compromising. If you don’t know yourself, get to know yourself. Start with a sheet of paper and write down who you are by listing what you value and what you believe in, and then hold it up and look, over and over again, until you understand what you will and won’t compromise.
As always, I am here for reflection and dialogue, and to help us all evolve beyond the belief structures that limit our experience.
If you have found this useful and think others will too, please share! Cheers.
An afterthought: I choose to talk about gender for a reason. Men and women have differences and we are not the same and we need to be able to acknowledge those differences for what they are so we better understand one another.